If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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