You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
