Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I want her autograph on my taint
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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