when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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