That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
