It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
