I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
