Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
