Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
