you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She needs sedatives and a leash
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
