he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize