my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
