i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
