I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
