found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
