so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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