Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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