hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
