I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
