Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
