Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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