Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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