Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
