Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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