yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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