conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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