I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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