my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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