I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
