but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
