Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
