her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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