she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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