I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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