She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize