he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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