oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I bet he comes in French.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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