I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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