I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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