Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
