he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
