a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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