You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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