Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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