I just saw a hot homeless man
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just invented taco cereal.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
