how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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