I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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