Michael Bay diarrhea
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
