Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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