literally had 100 drinks last night.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize