My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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