I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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