I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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