I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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