oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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