i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
